That’s all we can say about “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.” The first movie was cute, given that it was for kids. And in a way, as annoying as that already was, it had kind of train-wreck charm about it. You had to watch it, and the hollywood numbers did show that it was successful at the box office.

But they should have quit while they were ahead.

The sequel starts after the chipmunks’ manager/guardian, Dave Seville (Jason Lee), gets into some weird accident and ends up in the hospital — where he stays for the whole movie. His assistant Toby (Zachary Levi) takes over. Or tries to. He’s just not ready to handle the rigors of raising Alvin, Simon and Theodore as they go through high school. (Most parents aren’t.)

To complicate things are the all-female singing chipmunk trio, the Chipettes. So it’s the battle of the rock rats — oh, excuse us, rock bands.

So what don’t we like about this movie? Bad acting, lame plot, no lovable character to root for (the Chipmunks have lost their novelty by now). Plus, considering the possibilities of having two chipmunk groups who can dance and sing, the movie fails at delivering catchy songs or interesting choreography. We’ve seen better sequences on Barney videos.

Of course, the kids will want to see this, and parents will dutifully take them. The movie producers are lucky that their prime audience (namely five-year-olds) are ridiculously easy to please. But to the adults who are condemned to take them, we send our condolences. Well, at least it’s fun to Munk Yourself.

Universal Studios Hollywood has been dubbed the “Entertainment Capital of L.A.” for good reason. Visitors can have a blast at the theme park, tour the studios where some of the greatest movies were filmed, and experience Hollywood at its best. They always have something new to offer, and since Halloween is coming up, one of the most looked forward to events is Halloween Horror Nights. Some of the most popular attractions are the mazes (all new!), the terror tram, and more scare zones.

There is also a Universal Studios site in Orlando, which also offers Halloween Horror Nights. There are two theme parks, Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios Florida. They are both unique in their own and offer totally different adventures. Needless to say, you have to visit both theme parks to get the complete Universal studios experience!

Did you know that there is also Universal Studios Theme Park in Japan? Yup, for those who are in the eastern part of the world, the Universal Studios experience is within reach. This theme park has the best ride attractions: Hollywood Dream, The Amazing Adventures of Spiderman, and Jurassic Park. It also has shows such as the Magical Starlight Parade, Peter Pan’s Neverland, and Wicked (Wizard of Oz). If you are planning to visit Universal Studios Japan, you do not have to worry about hotels. Just visit the comprehensive list of hotels near the park that Japanican has put together.

As we all know Emma Watson had a very public fiasco when the wind conspired with her hormone ridden teenage boys fans and flicked open her dress for her to reveal nice long legs and her underwear. She showed “Hermione-like” calmness on David Letterman and good humour when she said, “At least I’m wearing underwear.” When it comes to her kissing scene with Rupert Grint (Ron Weasly) both of them agree was uncomfortable. As Rupert said, “I remember being inches away from her lips and thinking, ‘Good lord, this is going to be strange.” Emma Watson even goes as far as saying that with Rupert being “like a brother” to her kissing him “felt like incest.” A thing the little kids who will be watching (I think this one’s rated PG and not PG-13 like the last two films.) need not know. Whatever the case, you can be sure their unease won’t show on screen. Of course we’ll have to wait for “Deathly Hallows” till we see this scene.

As for their future beyond the Harry Potter films Daniel Radcliffe has expressed his desire to continue acting, Emma Watson is not yet sure though she seems to be seriously considering on going to college, and Rupert Grint is just sure that he’ll be missing the shoots and is adopting a wait and see attitude on what the future holds for him.

As for muggles worldwide all we can hope for is that wherever you are, come Wednesday, it won’t be literally raining on our parade, which is what happened in the London premiere. I guess it just goes to show that their magic wand works only in the film and not in real life.

There’ll be dinosaurs – Quite obvious from the title. This is scientifically erroneous since dinosaurs were no longer around during the real ice age so start explaining that it’s only in the cartoons that those mammals coexisted with those dinosaurs.

Better animation that the first two Ice Age movies – Again this should be pretty obvious since a 3D film would have better animation. So at least the 3D aspect will surely provide entertainment value.

The laughter meter - It might not be that funny but according to Roger Moore of Orlando Sentinel some of the jokes worked mostly thanks to Scratte (voice of Karen Disher). According to Ella Taylor of the Houston Press though, “there’s no breathing life into a formula that ought to have bowed out gracefully while the going was good.” Ouch! So don’t expect too much but try to keep it positive so you can still enjoy the movie.

What’s new with this movie is that it will be in 3D. Knowing Pixar we can prepare for one hell of a 3D experience. Story-wise the writers didn’t do a cop out and made sure they came up with a very interesting albeit somewhat upsetting storyline. Like the little kids who first watched the movie 14 years ago Andy has grown up and is going off to college. This leaves Woody, Buzz and the rest of the toys no space in his life. Fortunately or unfortunately, we don’t know yet which until we see the movie or Disney releases another trailer that will actually reveal something about the story, Andy decides to leave the toys in a daycare center where other kids can get to play with them. From that we can only imagine all the kind of kids the toys can encounter and all the adventures the toys can have.

If you have any kids or enjoyed the movie a decade ago this is one movie to watch out for. The movie is set to be released on June 2010 so there’s plenty of time to wait. In the meantime you can watch the latest Toy Story 3 teaser trailer though you won’t get much there because it doesn’t show anything about the story. Something we’re used to when it comes to Pixar trailers. Enjoy!

As for the plot of the story there isn’t much you can say about it because there’s really not much of a story beyond Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) running around, in, and under the Smithsonian trying to save his wax friends and the world from Kahmunrah. The attempt to add depth to the story by giving us a lesson on doing what we love was more like an afterthought just so we can say that the movie had a story beyond trying to get some good laughs out of the audience. The ending was fun but ruined by the oh so corny appearance of the reincarnation/complete opposite of Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams).

All in all the movie was funny enough but I could have lived without seeing it on the big screen.

Not surprisingly the movie was mobbed by young girls ranging from toddlers (2yrs old) to teenagers (17yrs old). I guess the fact that many fans had to be accompanied by their moms of course helped boost the ticket sales.

Disney is of course very please with the results and as Chuck Viane, Disney’s president of domestic theatrical distribution said, “Outside of Wow! what can you say?” They also expressed surprise at the movie’s success but considering the success of the previous Hannah Montana movie I can’t help but think that the surprise is a bit contrived.The movie is the first Hannah Montana non-concert movie. The last movie, “Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour,” was opened just a mill shy of thisone last year and ended up with a total of $65 million in total. It is now hailed as the top grossing movie concert of all time. With this record we can be sure that this new movie will be doing equally well if not better.

As for the plot of the movie anyone who’s seen the tv show knows what to expect.

Being an avid C.S. Lewis fan, I am unsure as to how to react to the news that Twentieth Century Fox is going to take the helm in the making of the third Narnia film. According to news reports, the movie giant has partnered up with Walden Media and will create the third installment in The Chronicles of Narnia series.

The development was announced after the Walt Disney Co stepped out of the picture sometime this week. If you recall, Walt Disney and Walden Media were the entities behind the first two Narnia films, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and Prince Caspian. And the reason behind Disney’s letting go of the franchise? “Budgetary considerations and other logistics.” Could this be a sign that Disney is being affected by the economic times?

Perhaps. The numbers that were involved in producing the first two Narnia films are around $180 million to $200 million. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe grossed about $745 million worldwide while Prince Caspian earned nearly half of that amount at $420 million. Perhaps Disney is merely playing it safe and not wanting to risk much lower turnouts.

In any case, the third movie is going to be The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The story (based on the book, at least, as the movie is not out yet) picks up Caspian’s story but many many years later. The once prince is now the King and is on a quest to find the seven lost lords of Narnia – a promise which he made to Aslan. The younger Pevensies and their cousin Eustace are drawn into Narnia again. The Dawn Treader is Caspian’s ship, where much of the story will take place.

Needless to say, I want to see this film.

Now the four are back for another go at the sisterhood as they are set to appear in the Sisterhood sequel due in August 2008. The movie is actually based on a series of books from Ann Brashares. The sequel will attempt to squeeze in three books’ worth of material into one movie. The four are now in college and thus, will have a more mature theme. Do we expect a bit of nudity here since they’re “adults” now? no one knows yet but do expect to see the four actresses jump off a cliff and into the ocean as part of their “improv” suggestions for the movie.

Heyman explained that the two-movie approach was the best one among a number of options that they were toying with. One option had the movie running for almost four hours but Heyman said that even though Potter fans would have tolerated the length it is still too much for little children to sit through such a long movie. Another option was to remove key elements of the last book but Heyman also said that this was not a good idea. He shared that unlike in other books where certain subplots were dispensable, Deathly Hallows provided a lot of answers and resolutions that the only way to do it justice is to leave it as is. The desire to be true to the book is mainly the biggest reason for the decision to divide the movie into two. JK Rowling was consulted about this decision and she supposedly gave her support for the two-movie concept.

Development of the script is only now being undertaken because of the recently concluded writer’s strike — and this is where the next glitch happens. Expect a year and a half of waiting in between Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince and the Deathly Hallows movies. This delay, I guess, is the one thing that Potter fans will complain about the most.

I honestly didn’t know they were even making a sequel to “Bruce Almighty” until the first trailer for this film showed up in theaters a couple months back. It snuck in with little fanfare and wedged itself in during one of June’s down weeks in regards to blockbuster releases. Still, this sort of warm and fuzzy PG-rated comedy is a nice thing to have from time to time, and while “Evan Almighty” isn’t one of the funniest movies I’ve ever sat through, I found myself enjoying it.

Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) is a newly elected Congressman from New York who has just moved to Washington with his wife and three kids. Out to change the world for the better, Evan is a genuinely good soul, albeit a little weird. Unfortunately, once on the job he finds himself in bed with corrupt politicians such as Congressman Long (John Goodman), who want to develop housing in America’s National Parks. Complicating matters to an astounding degree, Evan quickly finds himself receiving orders from God (Morgan Freeman) to build an Ark not only to save his family, animals and the people of his community from a great disaster, but to deliver a message of kindness and goodwill to the world. Evan, however, is not so enthusiastic.

With PG-rated comedies you typically know what to expect. They’re cute and funny, but they’re always more cute than funny. “Evan Almighty” wasn’t what I’d call a laugh-a-minute, and I didn’t even find myself laughing out loud very often, but the story and characters all had a charm to them that kept me enthralled.

Steve Carell brings his memorable brand of awkward and weird humor to the character of Evan. Much like how Jim Carrey’s character of Bruce in the previous film had his little quirk (“Its goooood”), Evan has his one of his own (he enjoys dancing like a doofus). Carell certainly carries the title role good enough. John Goodman doesn’t fair too well as Congressman Long, who’s merely your stereotypical corrupt politician and little more. I like Goodman and all, but he didn’t have much to work with as the movie’s lead antagonist. Wanda Sykes got on my nerves as Rita, Evan’s chief assistant back at the office. She existed mostly to provide sassy commentary throughout the film and felt more like an annoying person sitting in the theater yelling at the screen than an actual character within the movie. And lastly we come to Morgan Freeman, who once again could not be a better choice to play the character of God. Having narrated tons of documentaries and specials, he’s got the omniscient all-knowing voice down, but there’s more to it than that. Freeman just gives off this presence of gentleness and kindness that really sells the role.

I’ve heard some people bash these movies as being “heavy-handed Christian propaganda”, but I couldn’t disagree more. While there are certainly Christian elements to the film (this is a parody of a story from the Bible, after all), the lesson the film tries to convey is one of goodwill, not a straight-up endorsement of Christianity. Personally, I’m Agnostic and I didn’t find the film to be “heavy-handed” at all.

At its core, “Evan Almighty” is a family film and considerably less risqué than “Bruce Almighty”, so it’s a pretty safe way to kill some time with the kids. There are some unremarkable computer effects toward the end during the flood, but the montage of the family working with a legion of trained animals to build the Ark more than makes up for it. You’re probably better off waiting for this film to hit TV, but I’d still recommend checking it out.

Grade: C+

I really wasn’t expecting much from this flick. I mean, firstly, I’m sick to death of CGI-animated comedy movies. What I wouldn’t give for a good old fashioned cel-animated feature film. Secondly, I’m sick to death of penguin films. “March of the Penguins”, “Happy Feet”…just give it a rest already. So naturally, my expectations were geared toward a tropical blend of loathing and disgust. And yet “Surf’s Up” managed to defy my expectations by actually being pretty good. Go figure.

Cody Maverick (Shia LaBeouf) is an Arctic penguin who made it his life’s goal to surf after meeting the greatest surfing penguin of all time, Big Z (Jeff Bridges). His family thinks he’s an irresponsible loser who’ll never amount to anything, but Cody keeps his hopes afloat until the day Reggie Belafonte’s (James Woods) talent search discovers him and invites him to join the Big Z Memorial surf contest held at exotic Pen Gu Island. Cody’s hopes are quickly sunk, however, when he meets the competition: the tactless and ruthless bruiser known as Tank (Diedrich Bader). Cody’s on the verge of surrender until he receives a boost of confidence from his new pals: his lady friend, Lani (Zooey Deschanel), his best buddy, Chicken Joe (Jon Heder), and the enigmatic hermit known as Geek.

I think what accelerated “Surf’s Up” past other derivative dreck such as “Shark Tale” and “Antz” is that it decided to take a quirky and original approach to the plot. The entire film is from the point of view of a documentary film crew. The cameras and crew follow Cody and the cast around throughout the course of the movie, interspersing interviews, flashback footage, instant replays and various camera gags wherever necessary. This faux-documentary approach really kept the film fresh and provided a lot of clever jokes to break up the monotony of the predictable story and shallow characters.

Yes, take away the documentary angle and you aren’t left with much to chew on. While James Woods is always a joy to listen to, his character of Reggie is just your typical greedy scoundrel who really provides little to the conflict, while the main villain, Tank, is just a two-dimensional bully stereotype. I did like the choice of actor for him, however, as Diedrich Bader has proven to be a terrific voice over artist in shows like “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command” and “the Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy”.

The good guys of the flick aren’t much more interesting than the villains. Chicken Joe’s stoner personality gets old rather fast, while Cody is your run-of-the-mill main character template (Wide-eyed and naïve – Loses self confidence – Realizes moral lesson of film – Saves the day at the end thanks to said moral lesson). While the characters aren’t much to write home about, their interactions with one another and character chemistry keep them from becoming boring. Watching Geek tutor Cody in the fine art of surfing and the misadventures there-in was a lot of fun.

Although the story is predictable and the lesson of “winning isn’t everything” is trite, this is a kid’s movie, after all, so you shouldn’t go in expecting an intellectually stimulating experience. Additionally, the writers seemed pretty self-aware that their ham-fisted lesson was a little gag-worthy and threw in a few jokes about it here and there.

As far as kid’s movies go, I found it much more clever and entertaining than the other CGI-animated flick in theaters as of right now, “Shrek the Third”. So if you’re down to a choice between the two, “Surf’s up” is your best bet. It’s a very fun kid’s flick with some nice animation, a decent cast of celebrities and a unique premise that keeps it from getting stale. Give it a chance, you might like it.

Grade: B

What is it about threes? I typically enjoy third installments, even the ones most people dislike (“Robocop 3”, “Alien 3”, “X-Men 3”). However, I can rarely bring myself to argue that the third entries are often the weakest. Does being the weakest installment in a fantastic franchise somehow make “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” a bad movie? I can honestly say that no, it does not. And while “Pirates 3” may not be my favorite entry into the trilogy, that by no means should imply I didn’t enjoy the heck out of it.

Quickly picking up where “Dead Man’s Chest” left off, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is very much dead, Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) is very much alive and with Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) in the servitude of the villainous Lord Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander), the crew of the Black Pearl is very much screwed. The only way to defeat Beckett and Jones is to gather all nine Pirate Lords from across the globe to a summit at Shipwreck Cove so that they might band together for a final stand. Impeding this is the fact that one of the more notorious Pirate Lords, a Mr. Sparrow, is currently suffering unimaginable pain within Davy Jones’ Locker. And while Barbossa and his crew trek to the Nether Regions to haul Sparrow back, other characters are forming their own questionable machinations, namely Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), who will do whatever it takes to rescue his damned father from his imprisonment onboard Jones’ ghost ship, the Flying Dutchman.

While “Pirates 3” ranks third in regards to my preference for the series, it’s still a glorious movie and a satisfying conclusion to the storyline. The “Pirates Trilogy” reminded me a great deal of the Star Wars Trilogy, at least in structure. The first film tells its own self-contained adventure and can be watched isolated from its sequels. The second film starts a new plotline that remains unresolved by the film’s conclusion, leaving the audience with a cliffhanger ending and quite a few “WTF?” questions that need to be answered. And finally, the third installment ties up the lose ends and concludes the adventures, though not all will be pleased with the results. Granted, there’s nothing as diabolical as Ewoks in this movie, but you get where I’m coming from, right?

All the actors deliver performances worthy of the franchise. Johnny Depp is a riot as Captain Jack Sparrow and all, but to me, the real treat was seeing Geoffrey Rush return as Captain Barbossa, the villain from the first flick. While the explanation for his resurrection left me a bit unsatisfied, I can’t bring myself to complain, as his presence really boosted the film. The love triangle between Will Turner, Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan (Kiera Knightley) is all but resolved for this film, with most of the tension coming from Will’s and Elizabeth’s inability to trust one another. The “comedy relief” members of the crew can begin to grate on one’s nerves after a fashion, but Director Gore Verbinski seems to know when to cut their antics short for the most part.

I suppose if I have any nits to pick it would be the constant switching of sides between characters and the numerous plot threads all going on at once. It can get a bit overwhelming at times, making the film a bit hard to follow unless you’re devoting your absolute attention to it. One bathroom break could lose you entirely, as three characters could have swapped allegiances in the time it takes you to wash your hands.

If any word best sums up the Pirates Trilogy it would have to be “fun”. There’s a strong sense of humor throughout the series, a concept that few films have chosen to explore lately (how many good pirate movies can you name from the last decade?), jaw-dropping special effects, memorable characters, a solid cast…the works. Being the “weakest” installment in a franchise as spectacular as this one is nothing to be ashamed of.

Grade: B

Believe it or not, back in the “good ole days”, America wasn’t the only country coming out with cartoons based on Nintendo’s iconic Super Mario Bros. In 1986, Grouper Productions (the same people who brought us Hello Kitty and her extended cast) came out with this OVA film which loosely adapts the storyline of the first Super Mario Bros. video game for the NES. Video cassettes of this anime can be rather hard to come by, and those that show up on Japanese auction sites can go for several hundred dollars. But god bless the internet: I watched it for free!

So, how was it?

Well, the premise is the same, though the story diverges in some key ways. Mario and Luigi are two brothers who own and operate a grocery store in (what appears to be) California. One day, while staying up late playing his NES, Mario is surprised when a beautiful Princess named Peach jumps out of his television and begs for his protection. She is immediately followed by the monstrous turtle-dragon, King Koopa, who effortlessly tosses Mario aside and kidnaps the Princess. The next morning, Luigi is skeptical of Mario’s story until a bizarre caterpillar-dog-thing enters their store and steals the locket Peach left behind. The Mario Bros chase it down a pipe and wind up in the strange world of the Mushroom Kingdom. Upon arrival, a mystical Mushroom Hermit charges them with the task of saving the Mushroom Kingdom from King Koopa’s tyranny and rescuing Princess Peach!

While some differences are immediately noticeable, the basic story is for all intents and purposes intact. Some changes are rather wacky, though. For instance, Luigi wears yellow and blue as opposed to his green and blue duds, and rather than act like a craven coward like he does in the games and in the American cartoons, he is instead a greedy sunuvabich. Good thing for him he winds up in a world where all you have to do is smash a rock open and gold coins fall out. Then there’s King Koopa. He’s much less sinister in this anime than in the US cartoons or even the more recent video games. His voice is rather whiney and high pitched (as opposed to the growly dragon voice we’re used to) and he’s kind of annoying. Probably the most perplexing change is that the character known as Toad in the US, along with all the other Mushroom Retainers, are girls. Noodle that one.

As far as the story goes, the OVA is aimed at kids rather unashamedly. It’s cute and funny, but only a little bit so. Some of the gags will have you smiling, but it’s a kid’s flick through and through, so don’t expect any “laugh out loud” moments. It probably could have been dubbed by the Super Mario Bros. Super Show cast and brought over to the US and fit in perfectly. As far as the animation goes, it’s no great shakes. It’s pleasant and not riddled with errors, but it isn’t what I’d call “visually stimulating”. It’s pretty much on par with all of Grouper’s Sanrio/Hello Kitty stuff.

I don’t mind it being a kid’s movie. I like kid’s movies. So that’s not what bugged me. No, what irked me was the over-the-top, “you’ve gotta be kidding me” product placement done throughout the film. At random instances, Mario with hit a block and Super Mario Brand Ramen will pop out and he’ll eat it and talk about how delicious it is. They even interrupt the final battle with King Koopa to hurl in some product placement. It’s rather annoying.

Overall, it’s a fun piece of obscure Mario media that’s worth watching, but not worth the insane prices it goes for online. Just about everything from the first Mario game is represented, from Lakitu and Spiney’s Eggs to the Hammer Bros. There’s even a nice twist ending that kind of breaks your heart (or Mario’s, at least). And fans of Super Mario 64 will instantly recognize the inspiration for the King Koopa boss battle from the climax of this film. But anyway, this OVA is only going to appeal to the hardcore Mario fans out there, and its limited availability doesn’t make it very accessible to a casual audience.

Grade: C+

And because I couldn’t find any other place to mention this, there’s a scene where Mario kills a Buzzy Beetle with a fireball. You can’t do that!

I enjoyed the original “Shrek” well enough. I even enjoyed “Shrek II” almost as much. “Shrek the Third”, regrettably, is far from measuring up to the standards set by its predecessors. The humor comes across as stale and forced and otherwise predictable, which does little to honor the clever and innovative comedy of its older siblings. “Shrek the Third” isn’t up to the standard of its name and instead feels like one of the many Shrek “knock-offs” that began polluting theaters shortly after the original proved to be a hit, such as “Doogle” and “Happily N’Ever After”.

With the King of Far Far Away (John Cleese) about to croak, the reluctant Shrek (Mike Myers) is next in line to assume command. A simple ogre, all Shrek wants is to settle down back in his swamp with his lovely wife, Fiona (Cameron Diaz). To escape such dreaded responsibility, Shrek sets out to collect the only other heir to the throne, Arthur Pendragon (Justin Timberlake). Shortly before setting out, Fiona drops a bombshell on her poor husband: she’s expecting. As if Shrek’s problems weren’t bad enough, it would seem that young Arthur has no intentions of coming along willingly. And yet all this is only a slight nuisance when compared to the real threat, the villainous Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) and his legion of fairy tale villains who lay siege to the kingdom of Far Far Away in Shrek’s absence.

While my opening paragraph may paint “Shrek the Third” as the anti-Christ of animated film’s, it really isn’t all bad. While the humor is dreadfully subpar when compared to the standard the franchise set, the story and animation are actually quite good. The talented folks at Dreamworks outdo themselves this time around, presenting a very visually gorgeous film. The plot of Prince Charming and his hordes of fairy tale villains overthrowing the kingdom is also pretty fun. I actually found the scenes featuring the villains to be the most entertaining (especially Captain Hook). Merlin (played by Eric Idle) also got a few chuckles out of me.

The downside of the film is that aside from a few moments of inspired comedy, “Shrek the Third” just isn’t all that funny. I know humor is subjective and all that, but the movie relies on far too many hackneyed and predictable gags while riding on several call-backs and nostalgic bits from the previous films. These jokes are fine when used sparingly, but they unfortunately encompass most of the film’s comedy. You’ll find yourself more interested in watching the characters run around doing their thing rather than laughing yourself silly.

As far as the voice performances go, there isn’t a whole lot of new blood to speak of. The returning cast members deliver as well as they have in previous installments. Eric Idle portrays a humorous “New Age” Merlin and does it quite well, as he’s no new-comer to the world of voice acting. Justin Timberlake, on the other hand, does a rather poor job as the bratty Arthur. Not exactly being a follower of Timberlake’s, I don’t know how much experience he has in the field of voice acting, but he comes off rather forced and awkward. While I’m not the dude’s biggest fan, I don’t think he’s a terrible actor, he’s just not very good at doing voice overs.

“Shrek the Third” epitomizes the term “losing steam”, as you can really tell the franchise is about done. Not a very strong note to go out on, I must confess, but I’m sure it’ll clean-up at the box office anyway thanks to the inescapable marketing blitz and the overall power of the brand name.

Grade: C

Now, he’s added two more films to the list.

He will join Jodie Foster and Abigail Breslin in Fox Walden kids adventure “Nim’s Island,” based on Wendy Orr’s kids book.  The film is set for release next April, and revolves around a girl who lives on a tropical island with her father.  One day his boat has trouble, leaving her stranded on the island alone.  She begins emailing the author of the book she is reading, and with the author’s help, is able to manage.

“Nim” will film first, followed by “Game”.  After that, Butler will star in Brian DePalma’s “Untouchables” prequel “Capone Rising” for Paramount.  It appears as though he’ll be playing a younger version of Sean Connery’s character in the original film.

My childhood can be summed up with three simple ingredients: “Ghostbusters”, “X-Men” and “Ninja Turtles”. I love me some Turtles. Now, contrary to what a lot of people might have you think, the TMNT hardly ever went away. They’ve almost always existed in some form or another since their debut. I mean, a year after the original cartoon was cancelled, that live action TV show came around. Four years after that went bust, the current Ninja Turtles cartoon began airing on Fox. The comics hardly ever went away, though publishing would sometimes jump around between Mirage, Image and Archie. So really, what have people been missing about the TMNT? What aspect of the franchise has been sorely absent for so many years?

A theatrical movie, of course. It’s been fourteen years since their last effort and the TMNT haven’t seen the silver screen since. This new film almost seemed to come from nowhere, mostly due to a very late marketing campaign that didn’t seem to get going until a few weeks before the flick’s premiere. Not a very good strategy, I must confess.

It’s been several years since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles defeated their arch enemy, the Shredder. Over time, the four brothers have grown apart. Leonardo (James Arnold Taylor) has left to Central America for over a year to train, Donatello (Mitchell Whitfield) has gotten a job as a tech support consultant, Michelangelo (Mikey Kelly) is living it up as a children’s birthday party chew toy and Raphael (Nolan North) has taken up the guise of a vigilante known as the Nightwatcher. The four brothers are quickly drawn back together when immortal corporate executive Max Winters (Patrick Stewart) hires the ruthless Foot Clan to help him gather a horde of grotesque monsters. Winters intends to awaken his four stone generals and use the monsters to open a gateway to another dimension. If the Ninja Turtles wish to stop him, they’re going to have to learn to work as a team once again.

As a Ninja Turtle fan, I really enjoyed the flick. It had all the plot of a Saturday Morning Cartoon, so don’t go into this expecting all sorts of complex storytelling. Honestly, had the script been shopped to 4Kids Entertainment and not the Weinstein Company, this probably could’ve ended up as an episode of the cartoon series and nobody would’ve noticed. Yet it’s rated PG and it’s a kid’s movie, so really, what else did you expect? As far as being a kid’s movie is concerned, don’t worry, this is far darker and more intelligent than both “Secret of the Ooze” and “TMNT III”. This new film never gets any grittier than the original 1990 TMNT film, but that’s okay by me.

The CG animation is exceptionally good. Though it’s not the popular opinion, I believe that CG animated films are a market of untapped potential. I mean, for every action film like TMNT or Advent Children, there are two dozen Shreks, Doogles and Open Seasons. Studios are more interested in copying Pixar’s brand of animated comedies than actually seeing what other kinds of storytelling they could accomplish with the genre. So in that respect, TMNT is refreshing. Now, don’t be expecting this film to be all hyper-realistic just because it’s CGI. It’s a cartoon and it knows it, with character designs that are heavily stylized and occasionally (occasionally) employing “Looney Tunes”-like cartoon sight gags. However, I found this to be anything but a set-back and gave the film a fun charm. You can only take something like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so seriously.

The characterization of the cast is everything you’d expect. Leo and Raph once again take center stage while Don and Mike fall into the backseat. Granted, Leo and Raph’s polar-opposites dynamic is quite interesting, it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before. Mike has always been my least favorite Turtle, so of course I found him rather annoying in the film. He’s there to provide burp gags, puns and generic comedy relief I’d rather do without…but on the bright side, his sewer skateboarding segment was pretty sweet. Don gets the short end of the stick as usual, only popping up to do something technical and then fade away. Splinter was wonderful in this film, thanks mostly to a fantastic performance by Mako. Then there’s April and Casey, who get just as much a spotlight as the Turtles. April runs her own business alongside Casey and has been training in Ninjustsu, apparently becoming nearly as good as the Turtles. Karai and the Foot, I must confess, fall a bit on the wayside. There’s a hint of animosity between her and Leo, but most of their quarrel is shamelessly reserved for the inevitable sequel.

The voice acting is mostly good. There was nothing wrong with any of the actors playing the Turtles, at least nothing I noticed. Sarah Michelle Gellar phones in a rather underwhelming performance as April and her lines are delivered with all the fluidity of a pile of rocks in a tornado. The late and great Mako almost steals the show as Splinter, balancing the stern martial arts sensei with the loving father and throwing in some hilarious character quirks along the way. A terrible shame we’ll never hear him in the role again. Kevin Michael Richardson voices the most prominent of the four generals, General Aquila, and does fine. He’s one of my favorite cartoon voice actors and can sound very villainous when it counts. Patrick Stewart has become quite good at voice acting over the years and plays the sympathetic Max Winters as well as you can imagine. Ziyi Zhang is a bit of an oddity, I must confess. Karai is supposed to be Japanese, but Zhang’s accent is entirely too Chinese sounding. In all likelihood, most Americans won’t be able to tell. And finally Chris Evans delivers a perfectly appropriate performance as the lovable hockey mask-clad vigilante, Casey Jones.

And then there’s the leftovers. Laurence Fishburne, of all people, provides an opening narrative briefly recapping the Turtles’ history as well as the backstory of the villains. Kevin Smith also makes a surprise cameo as the cook at a diner. He actually does a pretty good job. A few more recognizable cartoon voice actors can be spotted throughout the movie if you’re a cartoon buff like me. You’ll notice Jim Cummings as a generic thug who keeps winding up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Billy West also shows up as a news anchorman.

So, all in all, what did I think of the new TMNT movie? Honestly, I liked it. It’s a kid’s action movie, for sure, but there’s hardly anything present to turn off an older audience. There are lots of references and nods to the “classic” TMNT to get the nostalgia rivers flowing, but enough entertainment value to keep from relying on it. Some great fight scenes and a mostly impressive voice cast. Definitely check it out.

Grade: B

The trailers and television spots for this film gave me the impression that it was going to be another “Harry Potter” or, more appropriately, another “Chronicles of Narnia”. You know, a movie where a group of adorable kids travel to a beautiful fantasy world and engage in a slew of amazing adventures, jam-packed with gorgeous special effects and CGI from start to finish.

Well, that’s not what this movie is like at all, but I’m sure that everyone who read the book (ie: not me) already knew this. So, even though this movie is only somewhat similar to what the marketing campaign promised, is it any good? Yeah, actually, it’s pretty good.

Jess (Josh Hutcherson) is a young boy with a gift for creative art but is constantly forced to repress his imagination by his father (Robert Patrick), who wants him to “keep his head out of the clouds”. Things change when a new girl, Leslie (AnnaSophia Robb), arrives at school. Leslie is the daughter of two fiction authors and has a wild imagination. Gradually, she helps Jess set his imagination free and the pair become fast friends. Together, Jess and Leslie create their own fantasy world known as Terabithia, where they use their imaginations to escape from reality as well as devise means to conquer their own personal problems.

At first I was disappointed with the film because I felt like I’d been snookered by a very misleading marketing campaign. Then, as I began to understand the real point of the movie, I came to appreciate it. For the most part, anyway.

“Bridge to Terabithia” is for kids, more-so than “Narnia” and “Harry Potter”. It is not crawling with special effects like the trailers imply (in fact, just about all the special effects in the film are shown in the trailers), but instead is a much more personal tale about two close friends growing up and making the most of the time they have together. For at least the first half of the film, yes, the entirety of the plot is basically two kids frolicking in the woods and having imaginary adventures. Kind of like live action role-players, only okay, because they’re children and not mentally-stunted 30 year-olds.

I was a bit “Meh” through the first half. I could tell it was a good movie for kids, and I’m sure if I’d been a ten year old I would’ve been having a great time, but I didn’t feel like I was in the right target audience. Then the big twist happened halfway through and I was in shock. I won’t say any more about it for those of you who don’t want spoilers, but I will say that it was an emotionally thrashing moment which hits you like a bus (if you haven’t read the book or had it spoiled for you, anyway). It was here where I understood the movie’s true lesson, or at least, the dominating one: treasure every moment of your childhood and never let the good memories escape.

It’s kind of hard to talk about the movie (the parts I really liked, anyway), because I don’t want to spoil it. So I’ll talk about something else.

The special effects provided by Walden Media (the “Lord of the Rings” people), as sparingly as they’re used, are up to their usual standards of quality. The fantastic creatures and landscapes which make-up Terabithia are quite cartoonish, but they’re supposed to represent the imagination of a child, so it’s perfectly appropriate.

There’s also the acting from the two lead kids, which impressed me quite a bit. AnnaSophia Robb shines brightest as the wild and rambunctious one, not coming off anywhere near as annoying as characters of her archetype usually do. Josh Hutcherson also carries his role quite well, playing a boy with a strong imagination but crippling amounts of responsibility. The kids who played the supporting characters, such as school bullies and what-not, aren’t so notable. They’re your typical child actors, so I’m not going to rag on them for being underwhelming.

One of the film’s other lessons is one I felt rather strongly about: kids, use your freaking imaginations! In this age of video games where fantasies are mass-produced by corporations and kids are getting out and playing with each other less and less, a movie that comes along and inspires kids to play “pretend” is quite welcome. It was always my favorite game, growing up. The film captures what having fun as a kid and using your imagination is like, and as an adult whose not allowed to do that anymore, I almost found myself longing for simpler (and more fun) times.

So if you’re expecting sword, sorcery and epic quests from “Bridge to Terabithia”, I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to find them here. Now, if you have kids and you want to inspire them to go outside and play, then this is more up your alley.

Grade: B+

Ask anybody who has seen all three live action Ninja Turtles movies, and I can almost guarantee that most of them (if not *all* of them) will say they hated the third one. Now, I’m not gonna go and say that it isn’t the worst installment in the series, or that it’s an overlooked gem, or anything like that. I will say, though, that it does have a few redeeming factors and that it’s really only slightly worse than TMNT II.

While at a flea market, April O’Neil happens upon a strange scepter of Japanese origin. She brings it to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michealangelo) as a gift, but accidentally activates it, warping her back in time to feudal Japan. She changes places with Prince Kenshin, the son of Lord Norinaga, a power-hungry shogun waging war against the people of his land. The TMNT waste no time in heading back after their friend, switching places with four of Norinaga’s samurai elite. It seems that Norinaga is being manipulated by the treacherous Englishman, Walker, who wants to trade him guns and cannons for his vast wealth of gold, silver and silk. After rescuing April, the TMNT help the oppressed people under Norinaga’s rule fight back.

There are a lot of reasons why people hate this movie. The first one that springs to mind is the absence of Jim Henson Studios in regards to the special effects. The suits for the TMNT in this film are provided by the All Effects Group and…well…they pretty much suck. Then there’s the jokes in the dialogue; they’re not funny. At all. The writers just slapped in as many random pop culture references as they could manage and assumed that would equal hilarity. I’m afraid that is not the case. Then there’s also the fact that a few voice actors have been changed, particularly Splinter, who is no longer voiced by Kevin Clash. The new voices are noticeably off and, in Splinter’s case, noticeably awful.

There are a few things this movie gets slammed for that I don’t agree with, though. Some people tend to call this film “cheap”, which just isn’t the case. Now, the suit design for the Turtles and the puppetry for Splinter is a terrible down-grade, I will not argue that. However, the overall scope of the film is considerably larger than what was seen in the previous two movies. In the previous two films, the TMNT simply fought villainous thug ninjas and retarded mutants, but this time around they’re traveling through time, battling samurai warriors and freeing a village of oppressed people from an evil shogun and a vile limey bastard. The set design for Norinaga’s castle as well as the numerous samurai warriors on horseback and what-not is anything *but* “cheap”.

Another complaint I hear quite often is “no Shredder”. Well, if you’ve ever read the TMNT comics, you’ll know that the Shredder just isn’t that important of a character. He was in about five or six issues, total, and that’s counting clones (if you only count the original Shredder, then he was only in one issue). The comic is still going today, albeit, on its fourth volume, and is proof-enough that you don’t need the Shredder to have a good Ninja Turtles story.

Is the story for TMNT III any good? It had promise, yes, but the execution fell far from the mark, I’m afraid. There are plenty of good TMNT time travel stories. I mean for example, the time scepter seen in this film is very loosely inspired by the time scepter used by Lord Simultaneous and Renet from the Mirage comics. Perhaps if they’d thrown in Savanti Romero and a few more Mirage-inspired aspects this might have turned out a bit better. As it stands, TMNT III is just kind of…boring.

I will congratulate them on bringing back Elias Koteas as Casey Jones, who co-starred in the first live action film, but was noticeably absent from Secret of the Ooze. Casey-himself doesn’t get to do any fighting, unfortunately, and simply baby-sits the time-displaced samurai. However, Koteas also plays a character named Whit, presumably one of Casey’s ancestors, who gets his fair share of action during the feudal Japan portions of the film. I was a bit disappointed that Casey-proper didn’t get to do any fighting, but I was just happy to see him again. Koteas hadn’t lost his touch with the character, either.

While TMNT II was more kid-oriented, TMNT III is a bit more risk-taking. The villain dies at the end, the TMNT are actually allowed to use their weapons again and there’s even some cursing here and there. It’s not as mature as the original film, but a step upward from part II.

Is TMNT III a bad movie? Yeah, it really is. There are a few things about it worth seeing, but for the most part, I wouldn’t recommend it. The story is completely stand-alone, like an episode of the cartoon, so if you just ignore it you aren’t missing anything.

Grade: D

You know that saying “they just don’t make them like they used to”? As clichéd as it is, it rings true. Rankin-Bass, outside their stop-motion holiday specials, never really received the notoriety that Disney and Don Bluth obtained through their efforts of high-quality fantasy animation. Rankin-Bass’ films were considerably darker and more violent than the competition, with stylish Japanese animation rivaling the American productions. And while their reign was sadly short lived, Rankin-Bass managed to release three of my all-time favorite animated fantasy films: the Hobbit, the Last Unicorn and, you guessed it, the Flight of Dragons.

Based on the Peter Dickenson book, “the Dragon and George”; ages ago, the worlds of magic and logic lived side by side. However, the mortals of Earth began to choose logic over magic, and as their belief in magic waned, the magical beings of the world began to thin out. Carolinus (Harry Morgan), the Green Wizard, summons a meeting of his brothers to discuss the matter. The wizards agree to consolidate all the remaining magic of the world into an invisible place called the Realm of Magic, before it all dies out. However, Ommadon (James Earl Jones), the vile Red Wizard, refuses and declares that he will use his magic to influence the mortals to lay waste to the Earth. To counter this threat, Carolinus summons a scientist with an affinity for fantasy, Peter (John Ritter), from the 20th century. Peter is to lead a quest to take Ommadon’s red crown and save the Realm of Magic. However, shortly after arriving, Peter is accidentally merged with a dragon named Gorbash (Cosie Costa). Peter is distraught, as he does not understand how to be a dragon. Mentoring him is Smrgol (James Gregory), Gorbash’s elderly uncle, and accompanying him on his journey is Sir Orin (Bob McFadden), the chivalrous knight, Giles of the Treeptops (Don Messick), the cowardly wood elf, and several others.

Animated fantasy films geared for family viewing just aren’t made like this, anymore. Animated films these days have to be filled with overbearing celebrity voice-overs, “clever” pop culture references and endless amounts of trendy humor. Rankin-Bass’ films never put celebrity flavors of the month over the story (I’m looking at you, Shark Tale, Robots and Shrek). This isn’t “JAMES EARL JONES AND JOHN RITTER in the flight of dragons”. The voice acting in this movie is excellent, to say the least. James Earl Jones is perfect as the villainous Ommadon, and surprisingly, doesn’t channel much Darth Vader into the role. John Ritter plays a fine Sir Peter, who gets the whole wide-eyed “boy this is great!” attitude across wonderfully. The other players are all excellent, as well, especially Bob McFadden as Sir Orin and James Gregory as the grumpy Smrgol. Don Messick, one of the greatest cartoon voice actors, stands out a bit too much, I’m afraid. His voice for Giles is fine, but his voice for Lo Tae Shao, the Golden Wizard (of oriental influence), is a bit too stereotypically sing-songy and sort of takes you out of the experience just a little. The Golden Wizard is a minor player, all things considered, so it isn’t that big of a deal.

The animation was provided by Japan’s Topcraft Studios, which was one of their finest animation studios at the time. Most of the animators who worked for Topcraft eventually left to form Studio Ghibli. So, as a result, the animation in this film is just as pretty as in their work for the Last Unicorn, the Hobbit or Nausicaa. The animation direction was provided by Fumihiko Takayama, whom you anime buffs might recognize for his work in Gunparade March, Gundam 0080 and Bubblegum Crisis. The assistant animation director, Katsuhisa Yamada, is known for his work on Genesis Climber Mospeada (called Robotech the New Generation in the US), Gatchaman (called Battle of the Planets and G-Force in the US) and as the animation director for both Hobbit and its unfortunate sequel, Return of the King. Though the animation might seem a bit “dated”, it remains beautiful by 1982 standards.

I suppose if I had to think of any real complaint about the film, it would have to be that it’s a fair bit too cut-and-dry. There aren’t a lot of plot twists and it doesn’t take much imagination to figure out what happens next or even how the film is going to end. Still, if you keep in mind that this film was produced for a family audience, which includes children, the plot isn’t any less complex than what you’d see in a Disney or Don Bluth offering. Not all the characters get too fleshed out, particularly the ones who join Sir Peter’s quest halfway through. I’ve never read the book, but I imagine they have more personality and depth in that version.

As of this writing, Warner Bros (who now own Rankin-Bass’ library) has not seen fit to release the Flight of Dragons on DVD, though they’ve covered practically every other Rankin-Bass film ever made. It seems almost a crime, really, considering how good a fantasy film this is. I hope Warner Bros rectifies this oversight sometime very, very soon. Still, if you can find this film on video or through “other means”, I can’t recommend it enough. Your kids will certainly love it, and there’s a good chance you will, too.

Grade: B+

Mother f***ing Rock Narlies.

The GoBots were always the Transformers’ ugly kid brother, so needless to say, the GoBots feature film was “just like Transformers the Movie, only not as good”. Not nearly as good. In fact, it wasn’t “good” at all. While the writing may have been only a few notches below that of the early Transformers stuff, it is still noticeably bad. Now, the Transformers’ character designs only bore a slim likeness to their toy counterparts, but the GoBots? They were precise animated realizations of their toys. As a result, it looks like a bunch of, well, TOYS fighting on screen, not actual characters. The barren desert landscape of the alien world, Quartex, also bears an unfortunate likeness to a kid’s sandbox. So yeah, basically you’re watching some kid play with his toys in his backyard. Thrilling.

As it goes, the GoBots are sentient transforming robots from the distant world of Gobotron. They were once humanoid but had their brains removed and put inside metallic bodies. There are two factions of GoBots: the heroic Guardians, lead by Leader-1, and the evil Renegades, lead by Cy-Kill. While repairing their home planet, a strange meteor crashlands in one of their cities. The Guardians investigate and discover a pair of transforming rock-people within the meteor. Solitaire (Margot Kidder) is a Rock Lord from the planet Quartex who has come to beg for help from the Guardians. Accompanying her is Nuggit (Roddy McDowall), a golden robot of great intelligence. It would seem that on their home planet a villain named Magmar (Telly Savalas) has been waging war on the peaceful kingdoms. He is collecting the nine scepters of the Rock Lords, for once he has them all, he can unlock a weapon of ultimate power. The Guardians head out to aid Solitaire, but at the same time, the Renegades catch wind of this dilemma. Interested in this “ultimate weapon”, Cy-Kill and his gang head to Quartex and team with Magmar.

Margot Kidder has no soul. I don’t know how Hanna Barbara managed to get at least three celebrities to commit to this movie, but I imagine their paychecks had a lot of zeros. The voice acting isn’t so bad in this film; particularly on the part of Telly Savalas (TV’s Kojack) and Roddy McDowall. It’s not McDowall’s best vocal performance, as he’s shown he can do much better in shows like Two Stupid Dogs and Batman: the Animated Series, but he does alright. Margot Kidder is rather forgettable, though, and really phones in an awful performance. I wonder if this was before or after she went completely insane and had a mental breakdown? The rest of the cast are made up of leftovers from the Transformers. You’ve got Peter Cullen as Tombstone and Pincher, Frank Welker as Scooter (FUCK!), Pulver-Eyes and many more, Michael Bell as Slimestone, Granite and Narligator, Arthur Burghardt as Cop-Tur, Turbo and Talc and lots more.

The animation, by Hanna Barbara standards, is pretty good. Which means, by the standards of the late 20th century, it’s freakin’ terrible. Dot Warner from Animaniacs once made an excellent observation about Hanna Barbara animation: “Who sucked all the life out of the universe?” The animation is just as flat, boring and bland as one would expect from a Hanna Barbara production, but with a few moments of glory (Cy-Kill’s attack on the Guardians’ fortress at the beginning is okay). Then, you take a look at Transformers the Movie, with its smooth and detailed Japanese animation provided by Toei, and its pretty clear how Transformers came out on top (though, realistically, both films were financial disasters).

I will give the GoBots one thing, though, the Rock Lord toys were awesome. You’d think “monsters that transform into rocks?” would be totally lame, but you’re wrong. Those toys were hardcore. I don’t know why, but they just were. The Rock Narlies need to roast in Hell, though.

Battle of the Rock Lords is generally revered as the high point in GoBots fiction, and that’s really sad. The television series was cancelled, meaning there was never a continuation of the story, either. So this is it, the grand finale of the GoBots. At least try to enjoy it from that angle.

Grade: D

I’m not exactly sure why I waited 7 years to watch this movie. I was a bit disenfranchised with Disney, as they had been releasing so many terrible movies with such consistency that they eventually had to shut down their in-house animation department. However, during the decline of Disney animation, a few gems managed to squeak by. Lilo & Stitch is one of them, Tarzan is the other.

We should all know the story of Edgar Rice Burrough’s Tarzan: the Ape-Man. A young human baby is orphaned in the darkest jungles of Africa. He is found by Kala (Glen Close), an ape who had recently lost her own son. Kala takes the baby in, naming him Tarzan, and he is raised amongst the gorillas as if he were one of them. Kerchak (Lance Henrickson), the silverback alpha male of the gorilla tribe, is hesitant about taking the human in and Tarzan (Tony Goldwyn) fights an uphill battle to win his approval. Living in the jungle with his friends, Terk (Rosie O’Donnell), the tomboyish gorilla, and Tantor (Wayne Knight), the neurotic and cowardly elephant, Tarzan becomes a master of vine-swinging and tree-sliding. Now an adult, Tarzan is startled by the sudden intrusion of a research team from England. Among them are the beautiful Jane (Minnie Driver), the jolly Professor Archimedes (Nigel Hawthorne) and the villainous hunter, Clayton (Brian Blessed). Tarzan is immediately smitten with Jane and makes peace with the humans. However, Clayton intends to use Tarzan’s naiveté to locate the capture the local gorillas.

Tarzan is a different kind of Disney movie than what a lot of people are used to. It’s much more action-oriented and a bit more violent. It’s more in-tune with the Black Cauldron as far as intensity goes (though not as demonic). There have been plenty of Tarzan movies over the decades, but I have to say, the character lends himself to animation a fair bit better than in live action. The animators at Disney imbue Tarzan with all the mannerisms and quirks of a gorilla, making him genuinely feel like an ape-man. From having double-jointed fingers to just the way he moves and inspects things, he’s brought to life remarkably well. His voice actor, Tony Goldwyn, is pretty good. Tarzan’s speaking voice isn’t really anything to write home about, but I would like to compliment him on his outstanding impression of the iconic Tarzan roar. Johnny Weissmuller would be proud.

What sticks in most people’s memory about this film, and honestly, the coolest part, is the “vine-surfing”. In older movies, Tarzan just swung from tree to tree on conveniently placed, load-bearing vines. Not anymore. Tarzan leaps and hurls himself from treetop to treetop, racing down coiling moss-encrusted vines, doing loop-de-loops and back-flips galore. The entire sequence where Tarzan rescues Jane from a horde of blood-thirsty baboons is a trip.

Disney, being Disney, also throw in a slew of light-hearted characters and sequences. Tarzan’s comedy-relief sidekicks are…tolerable. I’m not a fan of Rosie O’Donnell, but if anyone is more qualified to play a gorilla, I’ve yet to see them. Wayne Knight does a fun Tantor, though I almost wish they’d gone with a Woody Allen impression to compliment the neurotic character. The pair aren’t the best, and often try to steal the show, but they certainly aren’t the worst comedy-relief sidekicks in a Disney movie. The gargoyles from the Hunchback of Notre Dame or those damn animals from Pocahontas come to mind.

Then there’s the music. Phil Collins won an Academy Award for his music in this film, narrowly beating out “Blame Canada” from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. I still think that verdict was bullshit, but that’s a separate matter. I typically don’t like Phil Collins, but I can’t argue that his songs are very well-placed in this film and help accentuate the emotional moments. There are quite a few montages in Tarzan and that’s usually when they belt out a Phil Collins tune. The one non-Collins song, the scene where the gorillas make music Stomp-style with the camp equipment, is virtually unwatchable, however.

Tarzan is one of the better accomplishments from Disney during their decline and a really fun adaptation of the source material. It shares a number of similarities with the Jungle Book, though I find this one to be better.

Grade: B-

Ssso, I had just kidnapped two scientists and ordered them to construct for me a massive ssuper weapon capable of harnessing the magma of the Earth’s molten core in order to raise the planet’s temperature just enough to increase property value in Wyoming (which I had intended to turn into the world’s largest quicksand pit once the foolish Americans had moved in), when that color-shifting fool, Zartan, approaches me demanding I watch thiss new movie he wass obsessed with. Now, under normal circumstances I would never take film recommendations from some Aussie biker freak with a sskin condition, but Zartan wass irritatingly insistent that I watch what he called “the most heart-warming film of our generation”. Insolent wretch! Cobra Commander hass no heart!

Sso I watched the movie yesterday…

Normally, I am not one to enjoy Japanese-animated filmss. The eyes are always too big and all the woman ssound the same. However, this one was directed by ssome filthy Capitalist urchin named Hayao Miyazaki, who happens to be one of my favorite cartoon animators. I had to watch the movie dubbed in English becausse there wass no one in Cobra Headquarters of Japanese descent to translate for me; that traitorous bastard Sstorm Shadow having quit for the millionth time (leaving Wild Weasel mosst upset, as now no one will translate his imported RPGs for him). The English dub wass produced by a terrorist organization far more maniacal and scheming than Cobra, and with a grip on the world populace my organization can only dream of equaling: Walt Dissney.

The sstory goes like sso: a mild-mannered family of yen-worshipping pigs move into a haunted house located in the rural regions of Japan. The father iss caring for his two bratty daughters alone, as his hideous wife is dying in the hospital of cancer or something. Ssatsuki, the eldest daughter, and Mei, the youngest daughter, frolic and play FOR TWO MISERABLE HOURS!! Zartan, I’m going to kill you!

Ugh. Anyhow, the children romp and play oblivious to the threat of active landmines or poison ivy. The ghosts in the home are friendly sspirits and leave the children be. While playing foolish games and annoying Cobra Commander, they stumble upon Totoro, a massive furry behemoth with jagged claws and flesh-rending teeth and a grin big-enough to stuff at least a dozen puppies insside. At this point I thought the movie had turned around, as ssurely this giant forest animal was nature’s perfect killing machine and would certainly devour both the children, the pathetic father and end Cobra Commander’s misery.

Unfortunately, no, that didn’t happen. Insstead, the massive Totoro sspent the remainder of the movie frolicking and dancing with the children. It was around this time that I considered hurling a Battle Android Trooper at the television screen and ordering Zartan’s execution. After an hour and a half of giggling and pirouetting, the plot finally went ssomewhere. Mei, that disobedient little harpy, runs away to ssee her hideous mother at the weak Capitalist hospital and becomes losst. Ssatsuki begs Totoro for help and eventually they are all rescued by a giant flying cat-bus-monster with glowing eyes. I think Cobra should shift its focus from annihilating America to the complete obliteration of Japan.

The voices were serviceable. The inattentive father was voiced by Tim Daly, that devilishly handsome man from Wings and the voice of TV’s Superman. Ssatsuki was voiced by that sickening little meatbag, Dakota Fanning, who shall one day feel the iron fang of Cobra at her throat as I personally see to her lengthy and blood-curdling dismemberment. Former Cobra agent, Frank Welker, voices Totoro. I sstill think he was better off working for uss.

As Cobra Commander, leader of a ruthless terrorist organization, I cannot put into words how much I disspise this film. However, pretending to be a normal wretched American dog (and I’m only pretending, mind you), I would say that this film iss very charming, wonderfully animated and ssuitable for any age (I’m pretending!).

(Not Cobra Commandersss) Grade: B+