Nicholas Sparks is a famed contemporary American novelist and screen writer. He has quite an array of published novels that have been adapted into movies revolving around the very core of timeless tales of love and romance that just sends you into a down ward spiral of relentless bawling. Three more of his novels namely, True Believer, Safe Haven and The Lucky One are scheduled to be released as movie adaptations sometime 2011 and 2012. All his books exude his trademark theme of love, faith, tragedy and fate, bringing the reader and movie goer into a helpless sappy state not even halfway through the story.

Quite the notorious tear jerker is “The Notebook”, which boasts of a solid leading cast with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams portraying a young couple in the early 1940’s. Narrated in present day by James Garner as the elderly character of Ryan Gosling, to his one true love Gena Rowlands whose younger role is played by Rachel McAdams. The movie was released in 2004 and has been reputed to be the most romantic movie that year, leading to the best kiss award in the history of MTV.

So if that doesn’t intrigue you enough, why not challenge your high speed internet hook up to download movies based on the best novels of Nicholas Sparks. Message in a Bottle stars Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn; Nights in Rodanthe has the impeccable tandem of Richard Gere and Diane Lane, while A Walk to Remember introduces Mandy Moore and Shane West.; Dear John pairs hunky Tatum Channing with Amanda Seyfried and; The Last Song stars Greg Kinnear, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth. Be forewarned not to watch all of them in one movie marathon night unless you’ve got a full stock of tissues. These movies have been known to ruin some bad boys and MMA fighters.

Timeless as they come they render epic storylines that you can keep going back to. Now the wonder of today’s technology conveniently allows you to watch these classic movies you’ve missed straight off the virtual highway. With Comcast Internet deals you can rely on high speed internet connection service and enjoy fast download speeds of up to 12MB per second. Just enough for you to get your bearings back after a good cry and ready for the next movie.

I am simply trying to help you avoid the long-distance romcom Going the Distance, starring Drew Barrymore and “I’m a Mac” Justin Long.

Geez, they’re even holding the eye candy out in this one!

The movie looks painful.  We’ve already seen it 100 times over.  But for some reason, your girlfriend  thinks it looks “cute.”  Perhaps it’s because D-Bar has fooled the world into thinking she’s the girl next door. And I guess she is, if your girl next door is the offspring of a stage and screen dynasty who were rich before every Hollywood player was rich.  Or maybe it’s because Drew and Justin are an off-screen item.  Whatever the reason, you must get out of this one.

Christina Applegate, Jason Sudeikis of SNL (He’s an A-Hole) and Office Space alum Ron Livingston (I’m Sorry. I Can’t. Don’t hate me.) round out the cast.

Am I being to harsh?  Decide for yourself.  And remember that on opening day, August 27th, 2010, you already have plans.

Hugh Grant’s stammer had a clumsy kind of charm that worked in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” and, to some degree, “Notting Hill.” (We also concede that “About a Boy” was surprisingly entertaining, but it just fell flat at “Music and Lyrics” and “Two Weeks Notice”).

But the lameness factor just hit rock bottom with his latest movie, “Did you Hear about the Morgans?” He teams up with Sarah Jessica Parker, to deliver a totally forgettable romantic comedy that makes you want to say, “No I haven’t heard about the Morgans– and they’re not worth hearing about.”

Hugh once again dons that pained expression, as he plays Paul Morgan, whose marriage to Meryl (Parker) is on the rocks after his recent infidelity. He tries to win her back. She isn’t interested. And actually the whole audience why they’re together at all, because the two have no chemistry on-screen.

Their marriage is saved by, of all things, a murder. They both witness it, and they are sent by the FBI to a rural town that’s worlds away from their Manhattan lifestyle.

Hugh’s saving grace is his ability to give great one-liners, which periodically break the monotony of the movie. Unfortunately the good ones are too few and far between… just like Hugh’s movie career.

I know there would be people out there who’ll be less than enthusiastic about the news. But who cares? For girly girls like me who swooned and cried repeatedly during the countless time we saw the film back when we were in high school there’s no doubt that we’ll be awaiting the 3D remake of “Titanic”. For those involved in the film who’ll be making a titanic of a paycheck again once the blockbuster comes out, we can also be sure that they’ll probably be even more excited about the return of “Titanic”. The only one I can really think of who will benefit from the film that might not be too thrilled about its return would be Leo di Caprio simply because he is sooo over the crazy attention, especially from the paparazzi, from being a huge star. Of course he’s grown up a lot and should be able to handle the paparazzi thing now so maybe he isn’t to averse to the idea of “Titanic” coming back to make him the center of attention once more.

As for the actual 3D experience I am yet uncertain as to how that will pan out. Pretty sure that the once the boat starts sinking 3D aspect will make it more exciting but for the first part I don’t see how it’ll make much of a difference. Maybe cinemas should turn on fans (as in electric fans) during the famous “I’m flying” scene with Jack and Rose. Now THAT would be immersive.

Those of you who were disappointed in this year’s most recent killer-ventriloquist-dummy-horror movie, “Dead Silence”, might be interested in checking out “Magic” starring Anthony Hopkins which was recently unearthed on DVD. Much more of a psychological thriller ala “Psycho” or “Rosemary’s Baby” and less of a gratuitous “killer toy” movie like “Child’s Play” or “Dolls”, “Magic” actually tells a very unnerving and engaging love story with a very solid cast you wouldn’t expect to see in a movie such as this.

Corky Withers (Anthony Hopkins) is a ventriloquist who’s moving up in the world of show business thanks to his manager, Ben Greene (Burgess Meredith). However, Corky is a bit too attached to his loud and crass dummy, Fats (voiced by Hopkins), and when he is required to take a psychological exam before taking a television contract, panics and flees to his old home town. He takes up residence at a lakeshore motel run by his old high school crush, Peggy (Ann-Margret), and the two immediately hit things off. However, Fats’ personality begins to dominate Corky’s and he views Peggy as competition. Corky undergoes even greater psychological stress when Peggy’s violent husband begins threatening him and Ben Greene tracks him down, determined to get to the bottom of his mental disorder. Corky eventually snaps from the stress and under Fats’ guidance, deals with his problems one after another.

For a movie that typically gets relegated to the silly horror movie bins alongside “Rock and Roll Nightmare” and “Troll 2”, “Magic” has an incredible cast. You’ve of course got the likes of Anthony Hopkins in the lead role, back before he really hit it big. But you’ve also got then-bombshell Ann-Margret and the ever-talented Burgess Meredith filling out the ranks. The all-star cast alone should tell you that this is more than some goofy movie about a killer ventriloquist dummy.

“Magic” is a psychological thriller at its core. Fats is never actually “alive” in the sense that his dummy-body isn’t animate; he exists only within Corky’s delusional mind. It’s rather similar to an episode of The Twilight Zone (“The Dummy”) in a few ways, so if you recall that popular episode then you might have an idea of how this movie was handled. While Fats is never actually alive, Hopkins delivers such a strong performance you actually find yourself forgetting he isn’t at times. Despite being an inanimate doll, Fats truly steals the show in this film. It’s amazing how frightening he can be. He never actually moves on his own (save for one scene where the dummy operator screwed up), yet he becomes such an entirely separate character from Corky, that you discover yourself finding Fats scary and Corky not, despite them being the same person.

“Magic” provides some very tense and memorable sequences. My favorite is the scene where Burgess Meredith tells Hopkins to shut Fats up for five minutes. The movie then moves along in real time as Hopkins nervously tries to keep Fats quiet. A very uncomfortable sequence done extremely well, to Oscar-winning Director Richard Attenborough’s credit.

If you’re in the mood for a wacky horror flick about killer ventriloquist dummies then you’re not going to find it here. However, if you’re in the mood for an extremely well-crafted and well-acted psychological horror film then you’ve come to the right place. “Magic” really delivers and belongs on every cinema fan’s shelf.

Grade: B+

I can’t say I was anxiously counting the days of this film’s release, because then I’d be lying. And I can’t really say I’m a fan of Chris Rock, because then I’d also be lying. And I certainly can’t say that I’m into Fox Searchlight Pictures artsy comedies, because then I’d be lying hard enough to make Baby Jesus flood Heaven in tears. So then why one Earth did I go see this ill-marketed Fox Searchlight Pictures artsy comedy starring Chris Rock? Beats me.

Richard Cooper (Chris Rock) is your painfully average every day suburbanite male. He has a pretty wife (Gina Torres), two kids, a high-paying white collar job…the works. And he hates it. It’s not the kids or the job or the house that he loathes, but the monotony of it all. Oh, and the fact that his wife (who loves him) no longer wants anything to do with him sexually. The temptation of a single life is driving poor Richard mad, but what finally sends him over the edge is the arrival of an old flame, the ravishing Nikki Tru (Kerry Washington). Richard is drawn to Nikki not only for her charms and all they share in common, but for the shear adventurous curveball her presence throws into his life. However, deep down inside, Richard’s appetites battle with his conscience for dominance, as he’s not sure whether he prefers a stable, boring life with his loving family, or an uncertain future with the sultry girl of his dreams.

So I’ve established that this isn’t my type of movie, but that aside, there were things I enjoyed about this film. For a romantic comedy without any explosions or buckets of blood, it wasn’t half bad. It states at the very beginning of the film that in order to fully appreciate the story and the situations, you kind of have to have experienced married life. So right then and there I knew the movie wasn’t really aimed in my direction. However, I found its portrayal of married life and the various temptations that accompany it to ring quite true, even as someone on the outside looking in. So all you married men out there who have suffered similar slings and arrows as Richard Cooper, you’ll probably spend the flick nodding your head and chuckling at all the little things.

The cast is strong and carries the film from beginning to end with very few slip-ups. Kerry Washington’s portrayal of the gold-digging wild girl, Nikki, was quite good. Nikki is an interesting character as you’re not sure you want to love her or hate her. Steve Buscemi plays a supporting role as Richard’s coworker, George, and does his usual excellent job. I can’t say he did anything to stand out, though, and while he delivers some funny lines and provides a few memorable moments, he’s just sort of there.

Now this is a Chris Rock movie through and through. He wrote it, he directed it and he starred in it. Your enjoyment of this film will likely ride entirely on whether or not you can stand Chris Rock. I can stand Chris Rock, sure…I just don’t really like him all that much. From a writing and directorial point of view, he does an excellent job. Even though the movie is a remake of an earlier film called “Cloe in the Afternoon”, his script (co-written by Louis C.K.) is still quite strong with a lot of subtle humor and several memorable lines (I especially liked Mr. Landis’ line about chasing women and chasing money). The script and direction were solid, so that just leaves Chris Rock as the leading man…

Chris Rock can be funny. He can be very funny, which is one of the reasons why I don’t hate the guy like I do other loud and obnoxious comedians (Chris Tucker). However, in true Chris Rock fashion, he can’t go ten minutes in any role without insulting white people and portraying all black people as hideously oppressed. I know it’s your “thing”, but c’mon, Chris. You had a strong, engaging script; did you really need to draw a few cheap laughs at the expense of alienating and entire skin color?

Why am I even asking this? We’re talking about Chris Rock, here. Making fun of white people is his claim to fame.

Anyhow, endless “white people suck!” jokes aside, was this movie very funny? Sometimes, but not often. It was more a drama than a comedy, honestly, and wasn’t sure what kind of humor it wanted to use. Sometimes it was the aforementioned stale anti-white stuff, sometimes it was lowbrow sexual humor of the nasty variety, sometimes it was bizarre “wha?” humor and sometimes it was just plain old witty dialogue. It felt a bit inconsistent and went long periods without even cracking a single joke. At other times it included completely unnecessary gags that did nothing to enhance the story and felt tagged on at the last minute, such as the entire Viagra segment.

For what it was, “I Think I Love my Wife” was okay, but there was far too much wasted potential. If Rock could have stuck with the strength of his script, cast and story rather than hurling unnecessary penis and cracka jokes then the entire film would have been better for it. As it stands, “I Think I Love my Wife” came out rather luke warm.

Grade: C-

There has never been a more bizarre story of romance and surrogate father-daughter bonding than “Black Snake Moan”. Judging from the premise and the trailers, I had anticipated a bad soft core porn film with some wacky comedy interspersed between shots of Christina Ricci’s breasts and Samuel L. Jackson’s screaming. Instead, what I got was a strange tale about a man seeking a purpose by helping a troubled young woman set her life straight, albeit through the most unorthodox method imaginable.

Lazarus (Jackson) has just seen his wife of twelve years walk out on him with his younger brother. Feeling helpless, the farmer and former blues musician spirals into alcoholism. Elsewhere, Rae (Ricci) watches helplessly as her boyfriend, Ronnie (Justin Timberlake), leaves her to join the National Guard. Rae has some serious mental health issues, and no sooner than Ronnie leaves, Rae begins slathering herself all over anything that says “yes”. This inevitably gets her into trouble and a brutal ass-kicking which leaves her out-cold in the middle of a rural road. Lazarus finds her and nurses her back to health, only to learn in town of the girl’s self-destructive behavior. Believing he’s found a new purpose in life, Lazarus dedicates himself to helping Rae find a better path. Unfortunately for Rae, Lazarus’ lessons involve a chain and a radiator.

There was something rather unsettling about watching Wednesday Adams spend the first half of this film running around topless and screwing everything that moves. An interesting career choice on her part. While at a glance “Black Snake Moan” may look like nothing but material to jerk-off to, it honestly has a very solid script, strong characters and excellent performances (even Justin Timberlake’s).

The movie is almost entirely character-driven, with everything riding on the actors and their performances. Samuel L. Jackson has to be one of my favorites. Only he could do something as goofy as “Snakes on a Plane” one minute and then something as deep as “Black Snake Moan” the next. I found Lazarus to be the better character of the film; watching him find the strength to weather his crisis by helping Rae conquer hers was very moving. And anyway, there’s something very satisfying about seeing him scream some sense into a crackwhore.

Christina Ricci’s character starts out nearly impossible to like; an absolute tramp with a bad attitude and a personality so ugly you’re aching for someone to pop her in the mouth. Her nymphomania at the start of the film seemed rather gratuitous, like it was only there as an excuse to watch her get naked and turn all the guys and lesbians in the audience on. Be sure to watch where you sit when you go to the theater to see this, folks. However, it was necessary, since, well, she is a nymphomaniac and that’s what they do, after all. As the movie progresses you of course learn that there’s more to her than meets the eye and the usual tragic sort of history that would turn a person into that. It was a bit textbook, character-wise, but her gradual transformation into someone of decent mental health as well as the hardships she faced trying to atone for her past behavior eventually made her a more endearing character.

Justin Timberlake’s role as Ronnie in this film is a bit smaller than Jackson’s or Ricci’s, but still rather important. Ronnie is a pathetic kind of guy who needs Rae to take care of him. While this may make him seem unlikable, he isn’t evil or anything, and he was also the only source of stability in Rae’s life. He also develops throughout the film, coming to terms with his own weaknesses. I’m no Justin Timberlake fan by any stretch of the imagination, but there was nothing particularly bad about his performance. He plays the sickly, pathetic type very well.

This movie takes place down south, and I’m talking way down south. Writer/Director Craig Brewer manages to capture the backward, filthy American deep south exceedingly well, not just in location, but in the people who play townsfolk and supporting characters. These people don’t look like they were churned out of a Hollywood cast factory, but act with exceptional skill and prowess. I think some words of praise should be especially sent to John Cothran Jr. (who plays Reverend R. L.) and S. Epatha Merkerson (who plays Angela) for their wonderful performances that were on par with any of the “big name” actors.

“Black Snake Moan” surprised me, and this is the kind of surprise I like. It’s more a romance/drama than a comedy, so don’t go in expecting a laugh-a-minute (though there are some hilarious parts). Nevertheless, it’s an excellent film with strong characters and an equally strong cast.

Grade: B+

I think I’m gonna be sick.

It’s hard to put into words how diabolically atrocious this Eddie Murphy “comedy” really is, but I get the feeling most of you reading this came to the same conclusions about its quality after watching the 30 second television spot. Let me tell you, if it wasn’t my job to review movies, I wouldn’t have poked this thing with a stick just to see if it were still alive.

Norbit (Eddie Murphy) is a soft-spoken, easily controlled little man who is forced into marrying a loud, obnoxious, overweight ethnic stereotype, Rasputia (Eddie Murphy). Norbit’s life is pretty much miserable, as both his wife and her three mobster older brothers (Terry Crews, Clifton Powell, Mighty Rasta) treat him like dirt. Then one day, Norbit’s lost love, Kate (Thandie Newton), walks back into his life. Norbit is overjoyed to see her again…until Rasputia finds out and makes his life considerably more painful. The plot thickens when Kate’s fiancé (Cuba Gooding Jr.) shows up, as he is really a sleazy conman looking to grift Kate out of her fortune and turn the local orphanage into a strip joint.

The main “draw” of this film, at least, what the producers and director thought would entice the general audience to donate $10 and 80 minutes of their time, is that Eddie Murphy jumps around in a fat-suit. No, this isn’t “The Nutty Professor 3”, but it might as well have been. At least then it would have had some name recognition. No, “Norbit” is your typical run-of-the-mill PG-13 comedy where minimum effort was expended in writing the script in hopes that it could float on star-power and cheap laughs alone.

I use the term “star-power” loosely, of course, since Eddie Murphy hasn’t contributed anything of worth to the world of comedy since…jeez…the mid 90’s? Or is that being much too generous? I suppose if there was one, mildly humorous aspect to the film, it would be the third character Murphy plays: Mr. Wong. He’s actually rather good at playing a stereotypical Chinese man, and the make-up effects were effective-enough that it took me a while to realize it was him. Unfortunately, the writing for this movie is so resoundingly sub-par that even the “funniest” part of the film leans mostly in the direction of annoying.

To try and interject some more humor into the film, Eddie Griffen and Katt Williams play a pair of good-natured pimps who run a barbecue joint on the side. Again, annoying. Another side character is Buster, played by Marlon Wayans. Anything involving a Wayans brother is by nature obnoxious and stupid, so I won’t even go into detail on how irritating his character was.

The writers also thought it would be a good idea to hurl in catch phrases, since those are always a surefire means to success. Unfortunately, rather than come up with their own, they just stole one from Friends and added some black sass to it: “How you doin’!?” Cuba Gooding Jr.’s character also has his own phrase: “I’m out!” Hilarious. Tell me again why they gave this guy an Oscar?

Did you really need me to tell you this movie was awful? I know there’s that “you can’t tell if a movie’s bad just by watching the trailer”-rule, but in the case of “Norbit”, you most definitely can judge this book by its cover. Eddie Murphy continues to prove that he’s another one of those irritating celebrities who should have disappeared a decade ago and put themselves out of our misery.

Grade: F

David Cronenberg is the master of the truly weird. With movies like “Videodrome”, “Naked Lunch”, “the Dead Zone” and “Scanners” under his belt, it’s hard to argue that point. Cronenberg’s remake of the classic Vincent Price horror film, the Fly, is one of his strongest accomplishments, departing enough from the original to keep from being a retread but maintaining enough aspects so as not to alienate fans of the original. And on top of that, it’s *really* gross.

Scientist Seth Brundle (Jess Goldblum) has a terrible motion sickness problem. To rid himself of vehicular travel once and for all, Brundle has built a teleportation device which he calls a “telepod”. He invites journalist, Veronica Quaif (Geena Davis), to document his progress. But there’s one problem, the telepod can’t transport living matter. Brundle eventually believes he’s worked the kinks out of the telepod, and in a moment of *very* bad judgement, sends himself through. Unfortunately for him, there happened to be a fly in the pod with him. Brundle comes out feeling like a million bucks, but the positive effects don’t last long. Gradually, Brundle begins to decay and transform into something inhuman.

Cronenberg goes all out with this film, taking every opportunity he can come up with to make the audience cringe in their seats. From fingernails falling off, to oozing pus to gratuitous gore. Brundle’s ailment is very reminiscent of cancer, albeit to the maximum extreme, and this gives the film an almost realistic vibe. You know that out there, there are people suffering a similar (though much less hideus) fate and you can’t help but really feel for Brundle’s character.

Though often recognized for being an excellent science fiction and horror film, at its core, the Fly is a romance film. The love between Brundle and Veronica is extremely strong and her dedication to him even after his predicament takes a swing for the worse is beautiful. It leads into one of the most tragic and depressing endings of any film I’ve ever seen.

The casting of Jeff Goldblum as Brundle was just absolute genius. Goldblum is well known for being so fidgety and high-strung, he was ideal to play a man turning into a fly. His natural mannerisms and charisma only add to the believability of Brundle’s decay. The monster of the film, the fully transformed Brundle-Fly, doesn’t appear until the very end. However, it’s very much worth it, and even after he has transformed into a hideus creature, you still have a strong enough emotional investment in the character to continue caring for him, puppet or not. The effects are excellent in the most disgusting ways possible, such as ears falling off, or just plain impressive, like great sequences where Brundle climbs walls and ceilings like Spider-Man.

The Fly is one of the best films from the 80’s and a remake that truly trumps its predecessor. I can’t rate this film any lower than an A, it’s just too perfect.

Grade: A

Just Friends came out in December of 2005 and just barely flew under the radar. It is quite a shame, considering that this movie, more than any other, demonstrates the talent that Ryan Reynolds has at doing what he does best: being a complete jerk. Reynolds has always done his best when in the role of a smug, cocky, and crassly witty anti-hero and this time is no different.

Chris Brander (Reynolds) was the fattest kid in high school whose best friend just so happened to be the hottest girl in school, Jamie Palamino (Amy Smart). When word gets out that he is in love with Jamie and wishes to be “something more,” he is immediately told by Jamie that he is “like a brother” to her and is instantly crushed and publically humiliated. Ten years go by and Chris is a changed man: he’s athletic, wealthy, confident, a womanizer, and popular with the stars of music and showbiz. Due to a twist of fate, he finds himself back in his hometown and facing Jamie once again.

As the title implies, Just Friends is a unique comedy that tackles a situation that most men have been through: the 2-Ladder theory. The idea is that women have a tendency to put men on one of two inescapable relationship ladders: the friend ladder and the “something more” ladder. Or, as Chris calls it, “the Friend Zone.” As the fat Chris Brander, Ryan Reynolds shows us his acting versatility as he is able to convincingly don the role of the lovable fat kid who is smitten with his best friend but cannot muster the courage to adequately tell her how he feels. His weight problem and awkward social surroundings don’t make matters easier, either. He is immediately a character you identify with, not because he is a full-blown geek but because he is a person of good intentions whose inner self is not fairly represented on the outside. Of course, as the grown-up Chris Brander, Ryan Reynolds takes on his very typical role of the smug jerk who you either love or hate. Unlike his other movies, this one is rated PG-13 and so Reynolds is forced to tone down the crassness and pursue other means of humorous expression.

This is where the movie truly gains and keeps momentum: the chemistry that the characters of the film have with one another is the only real “romance” in this so-called “romantic comedy.” Chris and his brother Mike (Chris Marquette) fight constantly but retain the mutal respect that you would expect between siblings: you are honestly convinced that they are brothers in real life, and the majority of the film’s funniest moments come from their interaction. Naturally, the movie would not be complete without the love-interest, Jamie (Amy Smart). Jamie is convingly attractive as the girl-next-door and has the charm and looks to be believable to the audience: her relationship with Chris is likewise just as convincing.

The movie only slows down when it sacrifices plausibility for the sake of a happy ending. Chris is a jerk to Jamie initially, thinking that by playing the upper-hand that she would be swept off her feet. Instead, she’s disgusted by Chris’ actions and is immediately turned off… yet continues to agree to see him. The new guy, Dusty (Chris Klein) shows up just in time to be a convincing foil to Chris and there’s no reason not to think that Jamie would really like him… until you find out that he’s even more of a jerk than Chris is. Though the movie is a comedy and not a statement of how to handle being in “the Friend Zone,” you can’t help but be annoyed at times when the plot strays away from the expected in favor of a fairy tale resolution.

Acting: A
Effects and Entertainment: B+
Storyline: B
Recommendability: B+

I am lucky to have seen this film with a girl. Had I not, I would have probably questioned my manhood or suffered from post-movie trauma. It is pure chick-flick all the way and is so sweet you may find yourself with diabetes afterwards. But if you can find someone special in your life and watch it with them, you may make it out alive.

Big forehead Reese Witherspoon plays (implausibly) a workaholic doctor who seems to retain her Barbie-like prettiness despite working without sleep. She can’t get a date (again, yeah right) and is on her way to visit someone when she gets smacked by a car. Fast forward to sometime later and we meet Mark Ruffalo, who happens to be the new tenant in Witherspoon’s apartment. He starts seeing the unknowing ghost of Witherspoon and thus the saccharine-sweet, testicles-shrinking fun begins.

The movie does have its moments of objective comedy, such as a few jabs at classic “ghost” movies such as The Exorcist and Ghostbusters. And then there’s Jon Heder in the only memorable role of Darryl, the stoned psychic who acts like a tripped out Shaggy from Scooby Doo. The plot is tediously clichéd until a certain point where it becomes contemporarily ironic, pointing out a rhetorical pro-life situation that becomes the crux of the film. I really enjoyed that part, but liberals will probably react to it with protests and chaining themselves to trees or whatever.

But overall, it is what it is. It’s a girl’s movie and a date movie. So if you’re not a girl and you don’t have a date, you may not want to admit to people that you’ve seen this. If you qualify for watching this film, you’ll probably have warm fuzzies and all that good crap.

Grade: C+

In a sense, Martin Campbell’s The Mask of Zorro (1998) put forward the potential of comic book lore as a movie genre. Though Tim Burton’s Batman (1989) was the forerunner for the modern day comic book movie, it was merely treated as an inevitability just as Superman was back in 1978. These two pop culture icons had not died over the course of half a century and were long overdue for a movie treatment. With Zorro, however, the name had stuck in most households but never found the broad fanbase that its caped predecessors had. The Mask of Zorro reinvisioned the Zorro story and continued it. It made it appealing to viewers by the fine craftsmanship of movie editting and delivering the usual over-the-top heroics that is expected of both a comic book movie and a summer blockbuster. Most comic book movies now follow this same formula. And who can blame them? The Mask of Zorro was a really good movie for its time and is still immensely enjoyable.

And like all good summer movies, especially comic book ones, you expect a sequel to keep the continuity going. We like to see our heroes return. The same can be said of Zorro. It’s just a pity that his latest movie is absolutely horrendous.

The Legend of Zorro is nowhere near its predecessor despite retaining its primary cast and director. How could this movie have gone wrong, having had more than six years to prepare? Maybe they wanted to do something different. Perhaps Antonion Banderas learned a thing or two from Spy Kids. Or perhaps the script writers are ages 6 and 7, respectively. Who knows? The point is, this is not your daddy’s Zorro. The script is clever in a Disney sort of way with dialogue that is Gilmore Girls-witty at times, but it is no great Shakes. It definitely lacks the passion and echoing heroic monologue that the first movie had. The action is not grounded in reality and takes liberty with frequent jumps, flips, and spontaneously convenient actions (such as Zorro throwing his hat like a frisbee to smack some guy in the neck). Might I also take this opportunity to point out a very “what the f*ck” moment in which Zorro’s kid, Joaquin, gets into an extremely choreographed ruler-fight with his Jesuit teacher. Corny scenes like this serve to widen the gap between this film and its forerunner.

But maybe this comparison is unfair. Can The Legend of Zorro work as a film independent of the first? Yes, but only if one has come to expect a Shanghai Knights level of calibur and not a Tombstone one. The plot does not really advance the Zorro legend in the way Spider-Man 2 did for its respective franchise and could easily be dismissed as an inconsequential side story. Basically, Alejandro de la Vega (Banderas) has been asked by his wife Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones) to give up the Zorro mask for the sake of their misbehaved son. Zorro just can’t do it and quickly finds his wife missing. It turns out that she’s working with the U.S. government and that the divorce papers are just a ruse for her cover as she tries to infiltrate a clandestine world cabal that is intent on using the glycerine in soap to blow up Washington (no, I am not being funny, this is the real plot). There is a lot of teaming up with his annoying kid and a lot of drinking. This Zorro is nowhere near the heroic moralist that he was transformed into by Anthony Hopkins in the original Zorro: he’s a bit of a boor and seems to do the Zorro gig for kicks. I honestly can’t tell if this movie was supposed to be farcical, being as campy and detached from its progenitor as it was.

If you lower your expectations, you may find The Legend of Zorro to be a decent way to waste 2 hours of your life and may even get a chuckle out of it. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

Grade: D

What’s one way to get males to watch a paired Hollywood couple make ends meet in their steamless relationship?

Take Tomb Raider and match her with Achilles, add a smidge of domestic violence, and mix an hour of gratuitous gunplay and you get Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

What you have seen from the trailers is what you can expect. John (Brad Pitt) and Jane (Angelina Jolie) Smith are a suburban couple who feel detached from each other despite the comfortable life that they live, complete with a white picket fence. Of course, the tension (or lack thereof) is probably a result of the duo not knowing that they are, secretly, assassins for independent organizations outside the U.S. government. Once they find out, it becomes a matter of Spy versus Spy and an even bigger matter of miscommunication as they each believe that the other has tried to off them from the first S.N.A.F.U. Much explosions, punches, kicks, and bullets ensue.

Half True Lies and half War of the Roses, Mr. and Mrs. Smith has an intriguing yet cardboard-cutout environment that acts more as a playground of destruction than as a setting for marital counseling. It is a visually vibrant film that is well balanced by its obviously dark humor: the trailers cannot prepare you for thinking, halfway, that perhaps this will end with one of the Smiths dead as the finale of a marriage gone down the toilet. The banter between the couple is very typical of arguing couples and achieves its comedic tone by being juxtaposed by the mayhem around them as they continue to bicker. Predictably, violence gives way to sexual tension that has to find its outlet in our violent lovebirds. But the movie has enough chuckles and action to keep one interested as to how all this plays out.

It isn’t without its moral dilemmas. The film suggests that one reason why couples fail is due to what they don’t say as opposed to what they do. It also makes the dual claim that opposites attract (last half of the film) while the original sham marriage was based on the claim that birds of a feather flock together. The end of the movie seems to have been placed as a matter of convenience and not as a matter of plot: it could have conceivably been placed anywhere within the last 40 minutes of the film. It leaves open the nature of the Smith’s newfound passions and fails to answer whether or not it will last, though this all seems beyond the point.

The point is that marriage counseling has never been more over-the-top and gratuitously violent. This is one therapy session that you may want to check out.

Grade: B

Summer and Christmas are my two favorite times of year as far as movies are concerned. Summer gives us highly intelligent, heart-warming movies such as Independence Day and Godzilla. Christmas gives us morally appealling, family friendly movies such as Die Hard and Die Hard 2. It should be no surprise, then, that I found King Kong to be just the type of movie for this holiday season.

Please read the following plot preview to establish your decision to watch this movie: a giant friggin’ ape that’s AT LEAST 3 stories tall beats the crap out of not one, but FOUR T-Rexes! FOUR! Holy sh*t, he rips this one dinosaur’s jaw open and BITES OUT HIS TONGUE and then plays with him! And there’s this hot babe who doesn’t say much and this guy with the BIGGEST FRIGGIN’ NOSE IN THE UNIVERSE. Then he (Kong) bites off some guy’s head. WOW. If you don’t watch this movie, people will probably pick on you.

If you are still clueless, read on.

King Kong trumps its 1937 predecessor in every way. Unless you are a die hard fan of clay apes fighting clay dinosaurs, it is a no-brainer that this movie has made the great artistic leap forward. And whereas the original film had to remind us that there was, perhaps, a moral to the story, Peter Jackson’s monkey-film constatnly holds a sign up to our face in case we are too stupid to see the theme of beauty & the beast. I do prefer, however, the original special effect of throwing screaming rag dolls into a ravine over the new, computer-generated version. But I digress.

The movie is a visual masterpiece, painting Skull Island and 1930′s New York with overly romanticized digial brushstrokes. The only things on screen that you know to be real are the actors: everything has been given so much visual cohesiveness that the environment seems too fluid to be true. And Kong? Kong looks incredible. Many reviewers have said that he is the greatest cinematic creation to date, which is a fare opinion. You can see his nose hairs and maybe even some dingleberries. He moves and acts like an ape. He even laughs! Once you see him, you forget about that guy with the big nose or the fat guy who keeps wanting to make a movie. Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) is so impressed that she never speaks for the rest of the movie. Needless to say (if you weren’t impressed by the trailer, even the words of a ninja won’t convince you), it is a beautiful film.

But it is a long beautiful film. Like the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I am of the opinion that Peter Jackson is the type of cinematic orator who sticks to the rule of quantity versus quality: he takes his sweet time in telling his monkey story and establishing who his characters are in the first act. This is problematic for those of us inclined to A.D.D: by the time Kong appears towards the middle of the second act, the characters are stunted in their development and some (Ann Darrow) are literally never heard from again. Why take the time to establish a romance that steps to the side the moment the big gorilla starts chokeslamming V-Rexes? Why establish the character of the jerk film director if nothing happens to him at the end? The first act may make one weary of what follows next, but those who stay in their seats will not be disappointed. Kong and Ann tangibly bond in the mutual relationship of “protector against nasty dinosaurs” and “lovable person who makes me laugh, not like those other hot blondes I just decided to eat.” It is a relationship that is based on debt: Ann owes Kong her life, whereas Kong owes Ann the primal honor of being the only creature to establish a bond of some sort with him. Even his roomates (giant 15-foot bats) pick on him. There is no half-baked attempt at a plot or theme here, which makes the last spoken lines of the movie rather redundant. The movie is fortunate to have a director who balances his hours of exposition with a great deal of visceral quality.

If the movie is to fail anywhere, it has to be in the sheer beauty of the world that Jackson has created. Everything that occurs in the movie, even in the midst of chaos, is absolutely gorgeous. Andy Serkis gives Kong the movements of a real gorilla’s mannerisms, but all this is lost in the perfect, flowing, individual strands of Kong’s hair and the beautiful hues of Skull Island’s setting sun. It’s a GAP commercial with a giant monkey and a flapper girl. I cannot give King Kong the honor of being the greatest cinematic creation to date simply because he does not enter into our world in the tangible fashion that, say, Jaws did. Peter Jackson’s King Kong exists in a world of the 1930′s that is, at most, tangential to ours but nevertheless trapped in the realm of Hollywood fiction. It is a pretty painting in a perfect frame that we are welcome to gaze at for almost 3 hours. That’s not too bad, especially when dinosaurs start getting demolished.

Grade: A+