Have I ever told you youngens about “Troll 2”? Why, “what’s Troll 2”, you say? Well, it just happens to be, hands-down, the worst movie ever made anywhere on the entire planet. In fact, it’s *so* bad, I received a purple heart in the service just for sitting through this film. Additionally, as I’m writing this review, the Internet Movie Database has Troll 2 listed as the second worst movie of all time. You can’t argue with the voice of the people.

As the story goes, the Waits Family switch houses for the summer with a family of creepy hillbillies in the rural town of Nilbog (get it? GET IT!?). Young Joshua, who has been communing with the spirit of his deceased grandfather, immediately notices that everybody in the town wants to eat them, yet the rest of his family remains blissfully ignorant. Soon, however, vegetarian goblins start showing up by the boatload and turn teenagers into vegetable matter for consumption. After about fifty attempts on their lives, dozens of midgets in bad costumes running around in broad daylight and their own son screaming “They’re gonna kill us!”, the Waits Family finally put two-and-two together and figure out that they’re going to die.

Troll 2, if that summary didn’t tip you off, is horrible. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even live up to the promise of its own title; there isn’t a single troll in the entire movie. That’s right, a movie named “Troll 2” features nothing but goblins. To be fair, though, Troll 2 was originally filmed as a completely separate movie and wasn’t dubbed with the “Troll” moniker until distribution, as they figured that making it a sequel to a mediocre horror film might actually garner something approaching an audience. They tried the exact same thing with Troll 3, AKA “The Crawlers”, that very same year (1990). Some people never learn.

The acting in Troll 2 is beneath even the quality of an elementary school Thanksgiving pageant. Every line of dialogue feels like a rock-hard jab to the abdomen. But the horror of Troll 2 doesn’t just end with the acting, oh no, that would be far too humane. There are moments such as a “Flashdance” segment which more closely resembles someone having a seizure, or young Joshua Waits defeating a horde of goblins with the power of his bologna sandwich.

The special effects are…are…noticeably absent. Midgets, or possibly grade schoolers, run around in rubber masks and Ewok costumes, thrusting plastic spears at people. There’s even a scene that takes place in “the olden days”, where they chase a man through a forest to some really bad synthesizer rhythems. Then you have the evil witch woman who morphs into a “sexy” dame and arouses young men by nibbling on an ear of corn.

…I could go on like this.

Needless to say, there isn’t a second of this film that won’t hurt you in some fashion or another. The fact that this thing has been released on DVD before more deserving films should confirm the beliefs of Atheists everywhere. I feel rather redundant saying this, but Troll 2 gets an F. A colossal F. If there were any other letters synonymous with “failure” I’d give it them, too. Stay away at all costs if you value your sanity.

Grade: F^10